i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
