I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
