sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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