cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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