I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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