CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
