there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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