I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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