i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
