dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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