smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
