I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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