i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
