i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
