I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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