thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
