YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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