so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
