i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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