I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
