I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
