She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
