"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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