i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
