Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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