I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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