My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
