i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
