The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
