life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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