i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
