She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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