I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
