Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
