haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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