This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
