Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
