I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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