hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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