I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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