hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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