I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
