I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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