he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't deserve a penis
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
