he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
