I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
