You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
