Umm I'm too high to move.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
