I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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