I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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