I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
