Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
