I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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