I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
