Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
