In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my shit smells like andre
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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